God’s Mess, Part 2

See https://smithnrs96.wordpress.com/2013/09/05/gods-mess/ 

A personal friend said that he doesn’t see God as someone to fix my problems. I agree and decided to add a clarification. I  didn’t always feel this way about God. I fretted a lot over things in my personality that I didn’t like. I was especially aware of an “edge” in some of my responses to others. My pastor also pointed it out to me. I tried but couldn’t seem to either soften it or get rid of it.  

It came in part from my “inner dragon,” about which I have written a story that I may share here someday. Once I understood the origin and role of the dragon, I worked on taming it rather than trying to kill it. I am sure that the dragon and the edge are both still with me today. After all, both can be quite useful and appropriate when I need defending!

And so I prayed the prayer in the first stanza of this poem. “I can’t fix this – it’s beyond me.” And I saw God smile and rub her hands together because now he could work on me like the fix-it man and garden lady! “Oh, goody, goody – Nancy is finally going to let Me take over!” The occurrences of my edge diminished. Does this mean I have no responsibility for my edge? Not at all. I do what I can and I’ll write about those things, too. But I can always return to that prayer and that letting-go, because I know that I am a work in progress.

God knows us so well – I used to see this in reading the autobiographies of clergy candidates when I was on the Board of Ordained Ministry. Some bemoaned the fact that they resisted the call for so long – but I knew that God knew ahead of time how long it would take them to say yes!

About Nancy Smith

Nancy Smith has 20 years’ experience in technical writing and management in software companies. She also has more than 20 years in Christian ministry as an educator, course designer, retreat leader, spiritual director, pastor, and coach. A United Methodist Deacon, Smith has her M.Div. from Boston University. She is a graduate of the Guild for Spiritual Guidance, and is certified in Spiritual Direction and Retreat Leadership from Boston College.
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1 Response to God’s Mess, Part 2

  1. Frank says:

    This posting made me reflect on your story about the way you were changed as it might apply to me.
    I know that I am a different person than I was 20 plus years ago. Softer, less judgmental and finding it easier to be more loving.
    What changed me? Going through a divorce was a turning point in my life causing me to reflect on who I had been and maybe what I should be? Certainly I experienced a lot of anguish and pain. I began to go to church, something I had not done since getting married in one 20 plus years prior. I began to realize that there was a part of me that was “spiritual”, something that I had not explored or recognized up to then. I had done some church hopping in my late teens and early twenties but did not settle on any one place of worship.

    At the time of my divorce I started attending the church of my closest friend at the time. It felt “right’ to be there even if a little unsettling participating in the worship service as it was a Catholic Church.
    I justified adding to the collection plate by saying it was part of my “therapy” and one usually pays for therapy. And it was therapeutic! It did help. Part of that came from the community that I became part of. Part of it was something intangible. I just know that, on some occasions, I felt different after leaving Mass. What was different? I could not define nor describe it. But certainly felt and believed it!
    Was it God? God only knows! I am still searching…

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