A personal friend said that he doesn’t see God as someone to fix my problems. I agree and decided to add a clarification. I didn’t always feel this way about God. I fretted a lot over things in my personality that I didn’t like. I was especially aware of an “edge” in some of my responses to others. My pastor also pointed it out to me. I tried but couldn’t seem to either soften it or get rid of it.
It came in part from my “inner dragon,” about which I have written a story that I may share here someday. Once I understood the origin and role of the dragon, I worked on taming it rather than trying to kill it. I am sure that the dragon and the edge are both still with me today. After all, both can be quite useful and appropriate when I need defending!
And so I prayed the prayer in the first stanza of this poem. “I can’t fix this – it’s beyond me.” And I saw God smile and rub her hands together because now he could work on me like the fix-it man and garden lady! “Oh, goody, goody – Nancy is finally going to let Me take over!” The occurrences of my edge diminished. Does this mean I have no responsibility for my edge? Not at all. I do what I can and I’ll write about those things, too. But I can always return to that prayer and that letting-go, because I know that I am a work in progress.
God knows us so well – I used to see this in reading the autobiographies of clergy candidates when I was on the Board of Ordained Ministry. Some bemoaned the fact that they resisted the call for so long – but I knew that God knew ahead of time how long it would take them to say yes!